Scottish Jokes and Quips

MacDonald, charged with stealing a Porsche, angrily protested his innocence, and his lawyer got him acquitted. The next day he turned up at the police station. " I want you to arrest that lawyer of mine, " he said. "
But why ? " said the police officer. " He got you off, didn't he ? "
" Yes, but I didn't pay him, " replied MacDonald, " and now he's gone and taken the car I stole.

An Englishman was trekking through the Highlands one frigid morning when he came across a lonely shepherd enjoying a steaming bowl of oatmeal. Noticing the Englishman was weary, the shepherd offered a bit of his breakfast to him, but the Englishman was less than kind. "No thanks," he said. "In Scotland, the men may eat oatmeal, but in England we feed it to our horses."

"That, my friend," the Scot replied, "is why English horses and Scots men are the finest in the world."

Foreman - " Do you think you're fit for hard labor ? " Donald - " Well, some of the best judges in the Highlands have thought so."

" Are you looking for work MacDonald ? "
" Not necessarily - but I'd like ajob."

Foreman - " How is it. Sandy, that you're only carrying one plank when the rest of the men are carrying two ? " Sandy - " Well, I suppose they are just too lazy to make a double journey like I do."

Scottish Newsboy -
" Great mystery ! Fifty victims ! Paper, mister ? "
Donald - " Here, lad, I'll take one." After reading for a moment, he said. " Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ? "
Newsboy - " That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty-first victim."

An Englishman was being tried for being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had bought the whisky. "
I didn't buy it. Your Honor," said the Englishman. " A Scotsman gave it to me."
" Fourteen days for perjury." said the judge.

Sandy was on his way home late one night when a neighbor beckoned him for help. " Here, " he said, " give me a hand to get this pig out of the truck." When they had got the pig out of his truck, the neighbor said, " Hold the pig still while I open the front door." Sandy did as he was told and the neighbor said, " Now help me push the pig upstairs. Sandy did that. " Now, " said the neighbor, " help me put the pig in the bathtub. After a great deal of effort they managed to put the pig in the bath.
" Look, " said Sandy, " what is going on here ? Why do you need to put a huge pig in the bathtub ? "
" I suppose you're entitled to an explanation." said the neighbor. " You see the problem is with my wife - she's one of those women who always knows everything. No matter what 1 tell her, she says, " I know, I know."
" But how is a pig in the bath going to help ? " asked Sandy.
" Well, tomorrow morning, " said the neighbor, " she's going to rush into the bedroom and scream at me, " There's a huge pig in the bath," and I'm going to lay back in bed and say to her, " I know, I know."

Cook: " Do you want me to cut this pie into six or eight pieces ? "
Sandy: " You'd better make it just six. I don't think Ican eat eight pieces."

Sandy was taking his girlfriend for a drive on his motorbike. As they passed a hot dog stand she sighed, " My, those hot dogs smell really nice."
" Hold on a moment, " said Sandy with great gallantry. " I'll drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

This fellow went to a Scottish doctor and said." Doc, I've got a poor memory. What do you advise ? "
" Well, " said the Doc, " for a start you can pay me in advance."

Did you hear about the very generous offer made my Mad Scotsman Books ? The bookstore offered $25,000 to the first person to swim the Atlantic Ocean.

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob ?
It's easy.
Take up a collection.

Sandy was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted. " How much will it cost ? " he asked.
" $50, " replied the dentist. " Isn't that a lot for only a few minutes work " asked Sandy.
" Well, I can pull it slowly if you like." said the dentist.
" Look," said Sandy, " here's $5. Just loosen it a little."

McNab was once run over by a brewery truck.
It was the first time for years that the drink had been on him.

Judge - " It seems to me that I've seen you before." MacDonald - " You have, your Honor; I gave your daughter bagpiping lessons."
Judge - " Thirty years."

A Highlander stopped before a grave in the village cemetery, containing a tombstone declaring: " Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
" And, who would ever think," he murmured, " there would be room enough for two men in that one wee grave."

Sandy MacLeod was charged with shooting a number of pigeons, the property of a Highland farmer. Counsel for the defence tried to dissuade the old farmer. " Now, " he remarked, " are you prepared to swear that this man shot your pigeons ? "
" I didn't say he shot them, " was the reply. " I said that I suspected him of doing it."
" Ah ! Now we're coming to it. What made you suspect it was Sandy ? "
" Well, first, I caught him on my land with a gun. Secondly, I heard the gun go off and saw some pigeons fall. Thirdly, I found four of my pigeons in his sporran, and I don't think the birds flew in there and then committed suicide. "

Judge - " You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of the window."
Donald - " It was my Celtic temper. I did it without thinking, sir."
Judge - " Yes, I understand, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing on the street below."

" MacDonald, you've been convicted fourteen times of this offense - aren't you ashamed to own up to that ? "
" No, your honour. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of their convictions."

Better a small fish than an empty dish.
Better to have something to eat than nothing at all.

" I have a very unusual Scottish watch to offer you. It never needs a battery or any winding. It has no hands, and no face of any kind."
" But how can you tell time ? "
" That's easy. Ask anybody."

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