Scottish Jokes and Quips

The mosquitoes, or Midges, as they are known in Scotland may have caused the jumping that developed into Scottish Country Dancing.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

When Sandy was still at school, he once brought home a note which said, " We had thought Sandy had reached rock-bottom. But he has started digging."

Dr MacDonald of Edinburgh was famous for his bedside manner and his ability to reassure patients. Calling on one of his patients one day, he said, " I have bad news and very bad news. Which would you like to hear first ? " The patient gulped. " The bad news first."
" Well, " said the doctor, " You have only one day to live."
" If that's the bad news, " gasped the frightened patient, " what can the very bad news possibly be ? "
" I should have told you yesterday."

A man returned to his native town in Scotland after having been in Montana for twenty years. He was greeted at the airport by his brother, who had a beard down to his knees. The returning Scot asked, " What are you doing with the long beard ? "
The bearded brother said, " When you left, you took the razor with you ! "

The Scot told his wife, " Make sure you take off your new glasses when you're not looking at anything."

An Englishman became angry when the conversation consisted of nothing but jokes about the Scots, saying, " You'd think the Scots were the only race on Earth ! Why don't you tell a joke about an Englishman ? "
Sandy replied, " I'll tell you why. It's hard enough being an Englishman without making a joke about it! "

Winters a fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker. Noticing, however, that the worker wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, " Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you ? "
The farm worker replied, " They are a thing of beauty."
" Why don't you wear them then ? "
The worker explained, " I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him."

It was a great party. The Italian brought the wine. The Englishman brought a roast beef. The Frenchman brought onions. The Scot brought his brother.

A Scots golf pro, after ten years of retirement, went back to the game. He found his ball!

There was a collection going on. As the band played hymns, young girls went around collecting money. One came to an old Scot and asked, " Could you give a penny for the Lord ? "
The Scot said, " How old are you ? "
" Sixteen, " she replied.
" Well, I'm ninety. " the old Scot replied, " And as I'll be seeing him before you, I'll hand it to him myself."

" Don't take your trouble to bed with you," was the doctor's advice to a very nervous Scotsman.
" But doctor, " he replied, " my wife won't sleep alone."

During an excursion to the Isle of Lewis, the weather turned cold and rainy and the passengers huddled together for warmth. The boat captain shouted down to the crew's quarters. " Is there a mackintosh down there large enough to keep three ladies warm?"
" No, " came the booming answer, " but there's a MacPherson who'd sure like to try. "

Highland Church
Sign Going to heaven ?
Get Your Flight Instruction Here.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a noisy, smoky pub full of people. The Englishman declares, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free!" Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Irishman says, "That's quite a good tale, but in Ireland you can buy one drink and get another TWO for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Scotsman says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as great as the ones in Scotland. Why, in Scotland you can buy one pint, get another THREE for free, and then get taken home and made love to!"

The Englishman says, "I say! Did that happen to you?" and the Scotsman replies, "No, but it happened to ma sister."

Not knowing what's ahead makes for an exciting climb.

Sandy and Donald, two highland vagrants, were brought before a judge for vagrancy. " So where do you live ? " asked the judge.
Sandy said, " My home is everywhere, the highlands, the lowlands, the rivers, the mountains, the glens......"
" What about you ? " said the judge to Donald, " where do you live ? "
He said, " I live next door to him!"

Sandy went down to the airport to pick up his tired friend Hamish. When he got there Hamish was terribly upset. He said, " I lost the best part of my baggage on the way here."
" Did you misplace it on the plane or was it stolen ? " asked Sandy.
" No, " said Hamish," the cork came out."

" Sandy, you promised to be home at two o'clock this afternoon and now it's after six."
" Bonny Wife, please ! My best friend Donald is dead - dropped dead on the 10th green this morning at St. Andrews."
" Oh, how terrible."
" It certainly was. The whole day, it's been hit the ball...drag Donald... hit the ball... drag Donald..."

Sandy and Scotty were playing a mountainous course in the Western Highlands. Sandy joined his partner after playing a difficult lie at the bottom of a deep ravine. " How many ? " asked Scotty.
" Three."
" Three ? I heard six ! "
" Three were echoes."

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