Scottish Jokes

The Scotsman put a penny in one of them weighing machines. A card came out. It said, " You are a sober spendthrift "- it got his weight wrong too.

Golfer ( far off in the rough on the Old Course): " Say, caddie, why do you keep looking at your watch ? "
Old Scots Caddie: " It isn't a watch, sir, it's a compass. "

" Did you ever hear that joke about the museum in Scotland that had a skull of Mary Queen of Scots when she was twelve on one room, and a skull when she was thirty in another ? "
" No, " said the Englishman. " What was it ? "

" If William ' Braveheart ' Wallace was alive today he would be looked on as a remarkable man."
" Yes, he'd be more than 600 years old."

The minister was walking through the Highland village when he met one of his parishioners. " How's your cold, Donald ? " he asked.
" Very obstinate. " replied the parishioner.
" And how is your wife ? "" About the same. "

A burglar, who had entered the house of a poor Scot at midnight, was disturbed by the occupant. Drawing his weapon he said: " Stay back, or you're a dead man. I'm hunting for your money. "
" Let me switch on the light, " said the Scot, " and I'll hunt with you. "

Earth flew in all directions as the crimson-faced would-be golfer attempted to strike the ball. " My word, " he blurted out to his caddie, " the worms will think there's been an earthquake. "
" I don't know," replied the caddie, " the worms are smart here in St. Andrews I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

The minister was at ease after service Sunday night.
" Many folks in church ? " asked his wife.
" Aye, good attendance - and a tourist was present, but I did not see him."
" But how do know ? "
" There was a twenty dollar bill in collection box. "

" These rock formations, " explained the tourist-worn guide, " were piled up here in the Highlands by the glaciers."
" Where are the glaziers now? " asked a curious old lady. " They've gone back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.

The bonny young wife complained, " You love golf more than you love me. "
" Maybe so Fiona, " her husband replied, " but I love you more than I love fishing."

Sandy - " It's tough to pay 40 cents a pound for meat." Butcher - " Yes. But it's much tougher when you pay only twenty."

Sandy - " I noticed a your ad in the Highland Gazette this morning for a man to retail imported parrots."
Store Owner - " Yes, Sandy. Are you looking for a job ? " Sandy - " Oh, no; I just wondered how the parrots came to lose their tails."

Antique Dealer -" Here I have a very rare old revolver from the time of the Ancients Picts."
Tourist - " But surely they didn't use revolvers."
Antique Dealer - " Ah - that is why it's so rare."

Tourist goffer -" Well, how do you like my game ? "
St. Andrews Caddie - " I suppose it's all right, but I still prefer golf. "

Sailor's wife - " So, you'll be back from your voyage in four years, will you ? "
Sailor - " Aye, we're sailing from Scotland to all parts of the world In fact, I may be a back a bit late from this trip."
Sailor's wife - " Well, if you are, let's not have any of your old excuses about the ship going down and you having to walk home."

He that has a wife has a master.

In the Highlands they tell the story of a minister who had been badly beaten at golf by a member of his congregation thirty years his senior. " Cheer up, " his opponent said, as they returned to the clubhouse, " Remember, you win at the finish. You'll probably be burying me one of these days."
" Even then, " replied the minister, " it will be your hole."

A certain sportsman was playing over a golf course in Scotland, and playing very badly. " Dear, dear ! " he remarked at last, " there cannot be worse players than me ! "
" Well, well, maybe there are worse players, " commented the Scottish caddie, " but they don't play."

After the first hole, the Englishman turned to his Scottish opponent. " How many did you take ? " he asked.
" Eight, " replied the Scot.
" I took seven, so that's my hole, " said the Englishman. After the second hole, the Englishman asked the same question. This time the Scot shook his head. " No, no, laddie, " he replied, " it's my turn to ask first now."

The guide at Edinburgh Castle when asked why he was lacking the first finger on his right hand, answered: " I've been a guide, man and boy, for twenty-five years, and I just naturally wore that finger off pointing out places of interest to inquisitive tourists."

He's as strong and as brave as a Lammermuir lion.
He's not bold at all. The Lammermuir hills in Scotland is a rural area noted only for sheep.

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