Scottish Jokes

A minister addressed an Elder, " I'm told you went to the soccer game instead of church this morning."
" That's a lie, " said the elder, " and here's the brown trout to prove it."

How can you tell when you're passing a Scotsman's house ?
No garbage cans.

How could you tell it was a Scottish restaurant ?
There were forks in the sugar bowl.

Did you hear about.....
- the Scotsman who saw a sign saying, " Watch this window for free offer " ? So he sat there, and sat there. - the Scotsman who counted his money in front of the mirror so he wouldn't cheat himself?
- the collision between two taxis in Edinburgh, Scotland's capital city ? Twenty-seven people were injured.
- the Scotsman who took a girl back home in a taxi ? She was so loving, he could hardly take his eyes off the meter.
- the Scotsman who tried to cross an octopus with a turkey so that his family could all have a leg each ?

Scottish Fishermen:
A delusion surrounded by liars in old kilts.

And then there's the story of the Scotsman gazing at a huge, enormous mounted salmon. He shook his head in disbelief, then said, " The man who caught that fish is a liar."

" Young Sandy has inherited the famed Highland sixth sense -we've never found out what happened to the other five."

Did you hear about McGregor being shipwrecked on a desert island and being captured by cannibals ? They tied him to a pole, stuck spears in him, and collected the blood. Then they drank the blood and went off into a wild dance. After a week the Scotsman protested. " Look, " he said, " I don't mind being tied up here and having to watch the floor show, but stop sucking me for the drinks. "

Newspaper Headlines
Panda Mating Fails; Scottish Vet Takes over.
Scottish Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers. Scottish Weather Man Says That Cold Weather Is Linked To Temperatures.
Scottish Children Make Nutritious Snacks !
Highland Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case. Edinburgh Chef Throws His Heart Into Feeding The Needy.
Winter Storm Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead. Teacher Advises. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.

Sandy McPherson was bragging about a 15-pound salmon he had landed.
" Fifteen pounds! " exclaimed his friend Donald. " Did you have witnesses ? "
" Sure did. Otherwise it would have weighed twenty-five pounds."

An old Scotsman was quietly fishing from the banks of the River Tay. An observer asked, " Tell me. Sandy, how many fish have you caught ? "
" Well, " the old man replied, " If I catch this one here I'm trying for, plus two more, I'll have myself three.

A Scottish salmon should swim three times: First, it should swim in water, then it should swim in butter, and , at last, it should swim in good Scots whisky.

" Sandy, did you fish with flies last weekend ? "
" Did we fish with them ! Sure did. We not only fished with them, we camped with them, ate with them, scratched and slept with them. "

It's quite true that some Scotsmen, when they tell a story, will go to any length.

Two Scots businessmen took a day off and went fishing. Just as the fishing got good, one partner suddenly exclaimed, " Holy smokes, Donald ! I forgot to lock the safe."
" So what, " his partner replied. " We're both here...so what's the worry."

Every invalid is a physician.
Celtic proverb.

You'll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

Did you think I came up the river on a bicycle ?
Do you think I'm an idiot ?

Sandy and Donald had returned from a day's fishing with the allowed limit of trout. Sandy, the optimist, was ecstatic about their fun. " It couldn't have been a better. " he explained.
" What a great day" Donald, the pessimist, added. " I think it could have better...if...well, it could have rained whisky."

Wife: " Well, my dear, did you catch a lot of fish on the River Dee ? " Husband: ( Who had spent three days visiting Highland Distilleries ) " Had a great time. And did we catch fish ! Wow ! But we gave them all to Goodwill. They always need help you know. But that reminds me...you forgot to pack my shaving stuff and my toothbrush."
Wife: " They were all, " she replied acidly, " in your tackle box."

Fisherman's Epitaph
He angled many a brook, But lacked an angler's skill: He lied about the fish h? took, And here he's lying still.

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