Scottish Jokes and Quips
poor woman from Aberdeen, who had lost her husband was visited
on the day after the sad event by a good neighbour, who, to her
surprise, found the newly—made widow, instead of being wrapped
in conventional grief, busily occupied in supping a basin of bread
and milk with evident relish.
”Oh. Maggie,” said the visitor. ”I'm glad to
see that you're not taking the loss of your man sore to the heart.
You are looking real well.”
” Well, Jess,” replied the widow, ‘‘you
needn't say that. I was just weeping before I took this milk and
bread, and once I have supped it, I'll start weeping again”
are so many Scottish churches circular?
So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February
the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every
MacTavish is walking home with too much to drink, finally he decides
to lie down by the side of the road for a wee sleep. In the morning
a fellow Scot is walking down the same road with a live chicken
under his arm. The chicken is squawking and wings a flapping.
Sandy awakes to the noise, rubs his eyes and says that it brings
a tear to his eye when he hears the pipes.
Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for
the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."
Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."
Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time.
His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally,
one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and
said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop
sucking his thumb. The next day the child was with his mother
in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach
that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant.
Finally the irate woman said to the child,
" Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No,
" said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."
Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for
a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that
was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the
store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken
in transit. In due time, he received a reply. " Thanks for the
vase." it read. " It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece
There are two things a Scot likes naked.
One of them is malt whisky!
Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself.
However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut
the rope and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald
a bill for the cost of the rope.
Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "
Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."
Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."
Teacher: " What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested ? "
Little Sandy: " A teacher."
Donald: " I always feel that I'm covered in gold paint, doctor."
Psychiatrist: " Oh, that's just your gilt complex."
That old lonely lovely way of living in Highland places -twenty
years a-growing, twenty years flowering, twenty years declining
- father to son, mother to daughter giving rich tradition; peaceful
bounty flowing; one harmony, all tones of life combining - old,
wise ways, passed like the dust blowing. - Douglas Young
In the highlands, in the country places,
Where the old men have rosy faces,
And the young maidens
Quiet eyes. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes
most of the trouble.
A cat's a tiger in his own house.
In your own home, you 're the boss.
Seems that a Clan Chiefs daughter was offered as a bride to the
son of a neighboring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep.
The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated
the two clans. Father and daughter showed up at the appointed
time only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on
the other side of the stream. The father grunted, '' The fool
doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."
A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld
barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said,
" I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a
girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving
"Young Donald, " said the angry father from the top of the
stairs, " didn't I just hear the clock strike four when you brought
my daughter in ? "
" You did, " admitted Donald. " It was going to strike eleven,
but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you."
The father muttered, " Why didn't I think of that one in my courting
days ! "
Scotland suffers from only one thing - too much England.
Sandy: " Please whisper those three little words that will make
me walk on air."
Girl: " Go hang yourself! "
Sandy: " Will you marry me ? "
Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. "
McLeod asked the conductor how much the bus fare into the city
was. " Fifteen cents, " said the conductor. McLeod thought this
was a bit much so he decided to run behind the bus for a few stops.
" How much is it now ? " he gasped. "
Still fifteen cents, " said the conductor.
McLeod ran three further stops behind the bus and was barely able
to ask the conductor again what the fare was now. "
Twenty cents, " said the conductor. " You're running in the wrong
What's the difference between a tightrope and a Scotsman ? A tightrope
An old Scotsman was watching a game of golf for the first time.
" What do you think of it ?" asked a friend.
" It looks to me, " was the reply, " like a harmless little ball
chased by men too old to chase anything else."
McTavish was traveling by rail in America. He asked the railway
clerk for a ticket to Springfield. " Which Springfield, mister
? " asked the clerk. " Missouri, Ohio, or Massachusetts ? "
" Which is cheapest ? "
If you lie down with dogs you'll rise up with fleas.
the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door
of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
" Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor.
" No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market.
If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost
is $50.00" "
No it's not that" said the neighbor.
" Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull
you want, it's $40." "
No, it's not that. " said the neighbor.
" How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter.
" The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what
I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona
pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes
to do about it."
" Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father
yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."
Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can
tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I
married one ! "