Scottish Jokes

‘It’s the day God has given,’ said the elder. ‘It’s not one of His best, then,’ said Father Allan, passing on his way.

Whisky distilling probably began in the Lowlands, but now
it is firmly identified with the Highlands. The Highland
novelist Neil Gunn, who was also a whisky expert, noted an old saying of the country, ‘the Highlander likes two things naked, and one of them is whisky’. But Gunn believed that a good malt is best dressed in a little water.

Hostess with bottle: ‘How do you take your whisky?’
Highlander: ‘Seriously.’

An aged and anonymous Highlander is quoted as saying, a propos of the national drink: ‘Up to eight or nine is all right, but after that, it’s apt to degenerate into drinking.’
Another of the same ilk remarked: ‘Och, I will never
think I have had a dram till I have had two.’

A development of this thought was in the saying:
One glass — neither the better nor the worse for it.
Two glasses — the better of them, not the worse of them. Three glasses — the worse of them, not the better of them.The glasses, of course, held a good deal more than the official fifth of a gill.

The oldest Highland weather joke is one perhaps shared
with other hilly regions of the world, particularly localities
which, like Dingwall, have a local mountain. ‘When you can see Ben Wyvis clearly,’ they say, ‘it’s a sign that rain is coming. When you can’t see Ben Wyvis, then it is raining.’

‘This is really awful weather,’ said a visitor to an elderly
resident of Tighnabruaich. ‘What do you people do in all
this rain?’
‘We just don’t interfere with it,’ said the old fellow.

An engineer sent to Stornoway on a month’s secondment
found that his stay coincided with what seemed like
perpetual rain. One day, setting out for work, he said to his landlady’s little boy:
‘Doesn’t the weather ever change here?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the child, ‘I’m only six.’

For some Highlanders, the greeting ‘It’s a fine day’ is so
automatic that it escapes them even when the day is far
from fine. ‘It’s a fine day, but coorse’ is quite likely to be heard when the rain is falling and the wind is blowing.

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