Sandy Tulloch lived with his sister and her husband on an upland farm a good many miles from the county town. Sandy was not exactly what is called ‘‘half-witted,” but his ideas were sometimes a little hazy. When the minister came to baptize one of his sister’s children, a “neighbour wife” sent Sandy to the well, which was some distance from the house, for two buckets of water, just to keep him uot of the way. But Sandy, fully alive to the
importance of the occasion, was back in‘‘no time,” with the buckets running over and the perspiration streaming
down his honest face. Before he had hardly recovered his breath, however, the “neighbour,” took the buckets and quickly emptied their contents, and despatched him for another more water. This operation was performed several times with great success; and the baptismal cere mony was got through without interruption. Sandy was often afterwards heard to declare, when any one spoke
of a baptism: “Oh, I pity them that has the job of getting the water !”

Mcdonald donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) travels North to conquer the Scots, and he brings 4,000 men with him.
As he nears the battlefield, suddenly there appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. It is short, ginger-haired man in a kilt."Hammer o' the Scots?" He yells! . "Come up here, ya English fools, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!"Edward turns to his commander. "Send 20 men to deal with that upstart, there's a good chap!", he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ya English Jampots!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye a'!!!" Edward is now very annoyed. He turns to his commander and says, "Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!" The commander sends a hundred man over the hill to do the job.Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. "Ya English SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English gits!!" Edward losses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, gore and Irn-Bru. "Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WIMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!", he yells. Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!!" he yells. "It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!"

Sandy: " You know bonny sweetheart, since I met you, I can't eat...I can't sleep...! can't drink my whisky."
Fiona: " Why not ? "
Sandy: " I'm broke."

After dinner sit a while,
after supper walk a mile.

Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland
" Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ "
They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further.
" On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery."
An English tourist grew understandably irate.
" Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other ? "
Sandy glared. " Not on this bus, anyway, " he growled.

Sandy: " Without you, the Highlands are dark and dreary...the clouds gather and the wind beats the rain...then comes the warm sun...you are like an island rainbow."
Fiona: " Is this a formal proposal or a weather report ?"

The English General got a case of cold feet before the battle against the Highlanders. Calling his command together, he said: " Men, we're going to get beaten, but you must fight as bravely as you can. If worse comes to worst, run for it; as for me, I'm a little lame, so I'll start now. "

Nurse:" Dr. MacLeod, there's a man in the waiting room who claims he's invisible"
Dr MacLeod: " Tell him I can't see him."

Sandy: " Fiona, here's your engagement ring."
Fiona: " But this diamond has a flaw in it."
Sandy " You shouldn't notice that - we are in love, and love is blind."
Fiona: " Not stone blind."

Sandy came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Sandy ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Sandy sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the quay. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "
You'll have to do better than that. Sandy, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

Sandy stepped up to the tee and drove off. The ball sailed straight down the fairway, leaped onto the green, and rolled into the hole. Sandy threw his club in the air with excitement.
" What have you suddenly gone crazy about ? " asked his wife, who was trying to leam something about the game.
" Why, I just got a hole-in-one," yelled Sandy, a wild gleam of delight in his eyes.
" Did you ? " asked his wife very calmly.
" Do it again, Sandy, I didn't see you."

A bald head is soon shaved.
An easy task is soon completed.

Silver spoons for the bride and groom!
In olden times it was customary for Scots couples contemplating marriage to pay a visit to Parliament Close ( narrow street ) in Edinburgh. This was the home of the capital city's silversmiths where the bride and groom would select their silver spoons...then just as important as a part of any marriage as the ring, cake and bridesmaids. Usually two journeys were made involving the silver spoons. The first, a few weeks before the ceremony, to select the spoons and give details of the initials to be marked on them; the other to receive and pay for the spoons.

The Englishman came into the garage, walked up to the parking space, and, squatting down, went through the motions of driving a car.
" MacDonald, " said a shocked customer, " why don't you tell the poor man he doesn't have a car ? "
" Are you crazy ? He pays me $5 to wash it every time he comes into the garage."

" Mrs. MacDonald, could you give me something for a home for alcoholics ? " " Come back at 10pm. My husband will be home then."

A possible reason for the Highland Fling could be the long thistles in the heather.

Sandy's wife was discussing with a neighbor the previous day's fishing experience with her husband. " I made every mistake in the book ! " she said. " I talked too much. I used the wrong bait. I talked too loud, and I reeled in too soon. And to make matters even worse... I caught more fish than he did."

A Scot returned to the office after a fishing trip. He was telling the office staff about the size of one of the fish that he had almost caught. " I'll bet it was almost as big as the Loch Ness monster, " jeered his boss. "
Loch Ness monster ? " replied the fisherman. " Man , I was using the monster for bait! " .

A fisherman is a man who catches a big fish by patience, and sometimes luck, but most often by the...tale.

Sandy's wife called Dr. McGregor and explained that her husband was very ill.
" I know this is a lot to ask, Doctor. " pleaded the woman, " but we live far from town and the car is broken and Sandy is sick. Is it possible for you to come out here to Glencoe ? " " No problem, " boomed Dr. McGregor. " I have another patient to visit in the Glen. I'll just kill two birds with one stone ! "

Dr. McGregor was trying to comfort a sick patient who seemed nervous about his ailment.
" You know. Sandy, you shouldn't be nervous. I've had the same thing myself"
" Yes, " replied Sandy, " but you didn't have the same doctor! "

Scotsmen are metaphysical and emotional, they are skeptical and mystical, they are romantic and ironic, they are cruel and tender, and full of mirth and despair.

Freedom and whisky go together.
Robert Burns.

My heart's in the Highlands, my heart is not here.
My heart's in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.
A-chasing the deer and following the roe,
My heart's in the Highlands wherever I go.
Robert Burns.

What butter and whisky will not cure,
there is no cure for.

The rain is God's way of cleaning the cows !
Even bad weather has it's useful purpose.

Sandy went to the hospital complaining of sharp pains in his legs. After a few days of tests, his doctor came to see him. " Sandy, I have some good news and some bad news Which do you want to hear first ? "
Sandy asked for the bad news first. " The bad news is that we'll have to amputate both your legs."
" My legs ! " wailed Sandy. " What on earth could the good news possibly be ? "
" Donald, the man across the hall says he'll buy your kilt."

Dr. McGregor was attending a dinner party and watching the host expertly carve and slice the large turkey for his guests. " How am I doing. Doc ? Pretty good ? I think I'd make a really good surgeon, " said the host proudly. When the host was through piling up the sliced turkey on the serving platter, the good doctor observed, " Anyone can take them apart. Now let's see you put it back together again."

Among the conditions of sale by a Scottish auctioneer was the following: " The highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless someone bids more."

The doctor finished his examination and told the old Scotsman to come into his office.
" Sit down, Donald. After looking at these test results, I recommend that you have an operation immediately." The old Scot thought for a long moment
" How will this affect my hobby. Doctor ? "
" What's your hobby ? "
" Saving money ! "

Dr. McGregor was trying desperately to determine what was the matter. " Do you feel listless. Sandy ? "
" No, I don't feel listless, Doctor. If I felt that good, I wouldn't be here."

Doctor: " I think we can just about save your life, sir, but it will take an operation that will cost $10,000." McTavish: " That's a terribly high cost, doctor, do you think it's worth it."

Sandy bought his wife an expensive Japanese fan for her birthday. He told her it would last for years if she held it still and moved her head from side to side.

The following advertisement appeared in a Scottish newspaper. " A gentleman who has lost a left leg would like to correspond with another who has lost his right leg and takes a size nine shoe."

A trout in the pot is better than a salmon in the sea.

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