Scottish Jokes and Quips

God gave folks one face, but most use another.
Few people reveal their true selves.

A case was called in the Court of Session one day, when the agent for one of the parties asked for a delay in the trial, alleging as a reason that the wife of his client was dead. “ Aye, Mr Macdonald,“ said the judge, “that’s a grand excuse; I wish I had one like that.“

One very cold Sunday, a minister, in order either to terrify or edify his congregation, likened the everlasting torments of the wicked to imprisomwent in thick-ribbed ice. On being asked the nature of such a view, he replied very cannily, ‘‘ Do you think I would try to scare sinners this cold weather by making them think about a hot fire?”

“I daresay, you have drunk a house in your time,” said a sober old wife to her husband, who was rather of
a thirsty disposition. “Well Jean, I'll not say that you are wrong.” was the reply; “but I’m thinking it’s been a thick house, for I still find the soot on the roof of my throat yet.”

”What is love, Nancy?” asked a minister of one of his parishioners, alluding, of course, to the word in its
scriptural sense. ”Well, sir,” answered old Nancy, blushing to the eyeholes, “don't ask me such a silly question. I'm sure you know as well as me that love is a craziness of the mind, and what more can anybody say about it?”

“Sleeping? Donald?” said an old Highlander to a drowsy acquaintance, who was laying on the grass in a hori-
zontal position. “No, Duncan,” was the ready answer. “Then, Donald, would you not lend me ten and twenty shilling?” was the next question. “Ooh, ooh“ was the response, with a heavy snore; “I’m sleeping now Duncan, my lad.”

A group of Americans were touring Scotand. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too rainy. The hotel accommodations are awful. The group arrived at Scone Palace the site of the famous Stone of Destiny. "Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

In the early part of the last century a poor woman was brought before a Greenock magistrate, charged with
stealing tea from a ship's side. It was her first offence, and the bailie said:
”What tempted you to steal it, woman?”
The prisoner burst into tears, and replied:
‘‘It was the devil tempted me.”
”The devil,’’ answered the magistrate, ‘‘had nothing to do
with it; at least I never knew that he was such a grand judge of tea, for it was the best chest of tea on the whole ship; so you can go to the lock-up for a week.”

The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the father-to-be busy,the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world. "Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by... I think there's yet another wee bairn to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

How do we know that the game of golf was invented in Scotland? Well, the whole point of the game is to hit the ball as few times as possible in the course of a round, and any Scotsman can tell you that the fewer times you hit a ball the longer it will last.

A Scotsman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Scotsman, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know," he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

Walking into the pub, Sandy said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Donald. I just had another tiff with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Donald. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell you now when it was over," Sandy replied, "herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!

A Scotsman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your damn wheelchair there again."

Donald had left Edinburgh to go up to the West Highlands for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Donald replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

Return to Scottish Jokes