Scottish Jokes

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

An American is up in the Highlands tracing his ancestry, he looks in this graveyard and there's a Scotsman urinating on a grave, the Yank shouts out.. for gods sake man I have never seen anything so blasphemous in ma Godamnded life! The Scot shouts back...och ye dinna understand Yank doon under this grave lies ma pal Hamish, I made a pact with him that when he died I would come to his grave each anniversary of his death and pour a bottle of the finest malt whiskey over his grave. The Yanks shouts back..well it sure don't look like you are doing what your pal asked you to do does it now? The Scotsman shouts back...och I thought I would filter the Whiskey through ma kidneys first!!!

Sent in by Raymond George Moffat Hughes Esq.

A Perthshire Laird was much respected by his neighbours, and was also very eccentric in his habits and conduct. No job, great or small, could be done to his satisfaction, unless he personally superintended it; and if he had occasion to ‘‘ turn his back” even for a minute when work was going on, he was sure to see that something had
gone wrong in the brief interval, and the labourers heard of it quckly and to some purpose. Being seized with a serious illness, he despaired of his life, and caused his
relatives to be summoned, in order that they might be instructed how to conduct his funeral. After having, as the listeners thought, completed his order, and made all the necessary arrangements, he soddenly added, in a more than usually peevish tone: “What’s the use of me wasting time telling you what to do? I know full well that unless I’m at my own funeral myself, it’ll not be carried
through properly!“

Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’ ‘England,’ replied the Scot.

Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean?
They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad.

Then there were two Scots who bet a pound on who could stay under water the longest. They’ both drowned.

Jock was in London wearing his tartan when a curious lady asked if there was anything worn under the kilt.
'No madam,' he replied with a flourish. 'Everything is in perfect working order.'

Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked:
‘Anything I can get you, Sandy?’
No reply.
‘Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’ Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of yon boiled ham.’
‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’

How did the Grand Canyon come about?
A Scotsman lost a sixpence.

The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved man, telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried. Back came the reply: ‘All three — tak’ nae chances.’

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
Take up a collection.

‘McDougall’s dead. He fell into a vat of whisky.’
‘What a shame. Was it a quick death?’
‘I don’t think so. He came out twice to go to the bathroom!’

The following was seen on a poster in Argyll:
DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY.
Adjacent to this was another poster which said:
LOVE YOUR ENEMY.

Did you hear about the last wish of the henpecked husband of a houseproud Edinburgh wife? He asked to have his ashes scattered on the carpet.

It was a terrible winter — three months of unbroken blizzards.
McTavish hadn’t been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen. It was completely buried — only the chimney was showing.
‘McTavish,’ they shouted down the chimney. ‘Are you there?’
‘Wha’s that?’ came the answer.
‘It’s the Red Cross,’ they called.
‘Go away,’ shouted McTavish. ‘I bought a flag last year!’

Then there was the Inverness man who bought his mother-in-law a chair but had to send it back. He had nowhere to plug it in.

The local train stopped at a station long enough for the passengers to stretch their legs.
Sniffing the pure, clean air with appreciation, a passenger said to the guard: ‘Invigorating, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ he replied. ‘Inverurie.’

The minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse of drink, who insisted on talking.
‘Please don’t speak to me,’ said the minister. ‘You’re drunk.’
‘Drunk?’ replied the Scot. ‘You’re worse than me — you’ve got your collar on back to front.’

Three times Jessie brought Sandy to the manse, hoping to be made man and wife, but each time the minister refused because of the groom-to-be’s intoxication.
‘Why do you persist in bringing him to me in such a state?’ asked the minister. ‘Please, Reverend,’ explained Jessie, ‘he’ll no’ come when he’s sober.’

Jock went into a shop to buy a pocket knife. ‘Here’s the very thing,’ said the shopkeeper, ‘four blades and a corkscrew.
‘Tell me,’ said Jock, ‘you haven’t one with four corkscrews and a blade, have you?’

An Aberdonian was ill with scarlet fever. ‘Send for my creditors,’ he said. ‘I can give them something at last.’

It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’
‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a MacPherson willing to try.’

‘I hear you’re a great believer in free speech.’
‘I am that, Angus.
‘Well, do you mind if I use your phone?’

‘It was like this,’ said Donald. ‘I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.’
‘What did you tell her?’
‘Try and hit something cheap!’

A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
‘I suppose it could always be worse,’ said the woman. ‘Oh, aye, it could,’ agreed the Aberdonian. ‘I might have bought a return ticket.’

‘Any complaints?’ asked the prison governor.
‘Aye,’ replied Sandy, ‘the walls are no built to scale.’

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half­breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’
‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted a Scot in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.

A Slight Stirring
A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"

Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"

The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"

He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"

Jill responded, "No the wee tilt in your kilt."

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