Sheep Jokes

Architect A Scotsman finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house bulit. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, 'See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time.'

The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.

Then the man says, 'And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love.'

The architect could hardly believe his ears,'That's incredible, what did her mother say?'

To which the Scotsman replies,'Baaaaaa.''

Falkland's war Why did the Black Watch bring back so many sheep from the Falkland Islands?
War brides.

Scotland Where men are men, and sheep are nervous.

Long grass How do Scotsmen find sheep in long grass?
Quite good actually.

Remote Island A shepherd and his dog are shipwrecked onto a remote Scottish island. After a few days he decides to explore the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would sometimes make love to sheep and he says to himself: 'I'll never be that desperate.'

Sooooo, a few days later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps to, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the shepherd is really getting unhappy at the dog. Suddenly one day, the man spies a liferaft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, half dead but alive. He takes her back to his hut revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her.... She confronts the man: 'I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want' 'Anything?'
'Anything!!' 'OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!'

All talk Driving along late one evening after playing a late-nighter in a lonely workingmen's club in Oban, a ventriloquist's car broke down. Having walked along the road for a while, he came upon a small farmhouse on the high moors. Having explained his situation to the farmer who answered the traveller's knock, the farmer invited him in to spend the night.

The farmer had no phone. Inside the bleak farmhouse, the traveller was surprised to see no division between that part of it housing the human - the single old farmer - and the part housing the animals. Thinking there was some fun to be had, the traveller asked the farmer if he would mind if he talked to his horse, the farmer replied 'yon horse don't talk'.

The traveller waved at the farmer's horse asking 'How's the old guy treating you then?'. Throwing his voice, the ventriloquist answers 'Well, OK. He rides me pretty hard sometimes but nothing that a little more hay wouldn't cure'

The farmer stares in sheer amazement. The traveller then looks at the collie slumbering on the mat in front of a sorry-looking fire and asks the farmer 'What sort of a day has your dog had then?'

'Yon dog doesn't talk' replied the farmer.

The traveller again throws his voice as if the dog were to say 'Can't complain really, a little more meat when he makes me gather sheep all day wouldn't go amiss though....'

The farmer's jaw drops lower.... The traveller now hears the bleating of an ewe somewhere in the dark corners of the barn beyond.... he asks the farmer if he can go and have a chat with her, whereupon the farmer shoots to his feet and shouts. 'No, bloody way.... that ewe tells lies'

Scotland What do you call four sheep tied to a lampost in Edinburgh. A Scottish leisure centre.

Scottish Missionary A Scots missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!'

The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.'

The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child.'

The Trial A couple months back there was this trial in the West Highland courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that's illegal after all.

Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised. The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: 'Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like.'

'And then what?' asked the prosecutor.

'Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.'

'And what happened after that?'

'Well,' said the witness, 'they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!'

Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, 'You know .. a good sheep'll do that.'

Driving Test A Scot was taking his driving test and the instructor says 'Can you make a U-Turn'. The Scot replies, 'make her turn, I could make her eyes water'

New Use for Sheep The Scots have invented a new use for sheep........................ Wool.

What do you call a Scotsman with more than one sheep?
A bigamist.

What do you call a Scotsman with 500 girl friends?
A Shepherd.

Why are Border Collies so quick on their feet?
They've seen what happens to slow sheep.

Why don't Scots count sheep to fall asleep?
Because they want to sleep, not have a wet dream.

What do you call a Scotsman with sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other?
A bisexual.

Local customs A Londoner was visiting a Highland region and a local shepherd were tending sheep in the mountains when they came across an ewe with her head caught in a fence. The shepherd dropped his trousers, got down on his knees and had his way with the ewe. Satisfied, the shepherd buttoned up and turned to the Londoner. 'Fancy a go?' asked the shepherd

'Don't mind if I do...' said the Londoner, so he drops his trousers, gets on his knees, and sticks his head in the fence.....

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