Latest Celtic & Scottish Jokes

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they originally had chocolate on them..."

McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.

This one combines the Scots characteristics of reticence and understatement: Two brothers worked a croft together. One day the youngest brother went out into the world. After twelve years he was back again. The elder brother asked: "Whar are thoo been?" His brother answered: "Out!"

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour.

A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend. Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside. He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?" The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose." The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a moose?! Well, how big are yer cats around here?"

Notice in a Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow, restaurant - "Kids - eat two for the price of one..." to which a passing non-customer had added "I can't eat a whole child, far less two..."

Tam turned up at the local pub with his arm in a sling. His pals asked what had happened and he replied "If you must know, it got broken while I was fighting for a lassie's honour". His pals were impressed until he went on to say "Aye, she wanted to keep it".

An old Scots minister, stressing to his congregation the wisdom of repentance, remarked: "Yes, my friends, unless ye repent, ye shall all perish, just as surely as I'm gaun tae ding the guts oot o' that muckle blue flea that's lichtit on my Bible." As he was about to strike, the fly got away, whereupon the Scot struck the book with all his strength and exclaimed: "My frien's, there's a chance fur ye yet!"

Glaswegians consider Edinburgh to be in the east - the Far East. Edinburghers consider Glasgow to be in the west - the Wild West.

The old Scotsman was asked by a friend what he thought of his nearest neighbour. He replied: "Och, weel, he's a decent-like lad, but he's no' exactly a temperance man. He was sittin' there juist drinkin' an' drinkin', until I could scarcely see him."

Billy and Paddy were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

MaDonald was on his deathbed. His wife Morag, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly: 'My darling Morag,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Morag,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Morag. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Morag. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.' 'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'

MacDonald has had a stereo system in his motor car for years - his wife in the front and her mother in the back.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning MacDonald. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said MacDonald.

An advertisement in an Edinburgh newspaper read "For sale. Genuine leopard-skin coat. Spotless condition."

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

A Scot goes into a pub and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy pub, shrugs and hands the man a bottle of beer. The Scot drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at him oddly but hands another beer to the Scot. He drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the Scot drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman replies, "Look, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"

Patrick and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Patrick says to Murphy what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help. After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Patrick says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is black with Guinness - Murphy says you stupid fool now we'll have to pee in the boat.

When an old Scottish lady was asked why she had suddenly taken to studying the Bible so assiduously, she replied "I'm studying for my finals".

Wee MacDonald gave up being an atheist as soon as he discovered there were no holidays.

Return to Scottish Jokes