Scottish Drinking Jokes

Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman. "Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."

Angus's long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one Samhain, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered up the path. His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, "Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye ." "The Devil, you say?" Angus interrupted. "Then ye must come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe as I'm married to your sister!"

The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - t'ither ane's no' there! "

When a tradesman finishes a job at a house in Scotland, it is an old custom to offer him a wee drink. "Would you like a wee dram," the lady-of-the-house asked a joiner. "A wouldna' say No," he replied. The lady produced the bottle. "How do you like it, Sandy?" she asked. He replied: "Half whisky and half water. An' pit in plenty o' water."

Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown, "I can't really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink." Willie said, understandingly, "Ach, that's all right doctor. I'll come back when you're sober."

"Alcohol is your trouble," said the sheriff to the drunk. "Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament." The drunk looked pleased as he said "Yer lairdship's maist kind. A'body else says it's ma ain fault!"

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied, "They're waiting for the Happy Hour".

A Scotsman had been presented with a bottle of fine old Scotch whisky which he placed in his overcoat pocket. On his way home he fell, and as he got up he felt a wet patch on his trousers. "Please, Lord," he prayed,"let that just be blood!"

Two Scotsmen bought a bottle of bootleg whisky for a pound and it was the vilest brew they had ever tasted. "I'll be very glad," said one to the other, "when we finish this bottle."

It had been a bitterly cold day on the Scottish golf course and the caddie was expecting a handsome tip from his weathy client. As they came to the clubhouse the caddie heard the magic words, "This is for a hot glass of whisky!" Holding out his hand, he was given a sugar cube.

Forecasters were puzzled recently when the entire population of Glasgow ran out onto the streets with glass in hand after an announcement that there was a nip in the air.

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