Scottish Drinking Jokes
was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as
fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually
explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a
terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman.
"Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."
long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate
fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home
from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved
to cure him. Late one Samhain, she put a bedsheet over her head,
hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited
for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered
up the path. His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the
bushes, and cried out, "Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to
warn ye ." "The Devil, you say?" Angus interrupted. "Then ye must
come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe as I'm married
to your sister!"
two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the
one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door,
ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - t'ither ane's no' there!
a tradesman finishes a job at a house in Scotland, it is an old
custom to offer him a wee drink. "Would you like a wee dram,"
the lady-of-the-house asked a joiner. "A wouldna' say No," he
replied. The lady produced the bottle. "How do you like it, Sandy?"
she asked. He replied: "Half whisky and half water. An' pit in
plenty o' water."
MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown,
"I can't really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due
to drink." Willie said, understandingly, "Ach, that's all right
doctor. I'll come back when you're sober."
is your trouble," said the sheriff to the drunk. "Alcohol alone
is responsible for your present predicament." The drunk looked
pleased as he said "Yer lairdship's maist kind. A'body else says
it's ma ain fault!"
farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving
her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it
was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress,"
said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very
small for its age."
visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only
twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to
mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however,
that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying
the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied, "They're
waiting for the Happy Hour".
Scotsman had been presented with a bottle of fine old Scotch whisky
which he placed in his overcoat pocket. On his way home he fell,
and as he got up he felt a wet patch on his trousers. "Please,
Lord," he prayed,"let that just be blood!"
Scotsmen bought a bottle of bootleg whisky for a pound and it
was the vilest brew they had ever tasted. "I'll be very glad,"
said one to the other, "when we finish this bottle."
had been a bitterly cold day on the Scottish golf course and the
caddie was expecting a handsome tip from his weathy client. As
they came to the clubhouse the caddie heard the magic words, "This
is for a hot glass of whisky!" Holding out his hand, he was given
a sugar cube.
were puzzled recently when the entire population of Glasgow ran
out onto the streets with glass in hand after an announcement
that there was a nip in the air.
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