was an Englishman an
Irishman and a Scotsman.....
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar,
drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The
Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last
week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of
meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to
keep it in." The
Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife
is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000
on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know
how to drive!" The
Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like
they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah,
it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy
woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing
her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And
she doesn't even have a penis!"
Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for
the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be
able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight,
however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came
upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length
of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson,
the pole vault," and was admitted. The
Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When
he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate
and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give
up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire,
he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan,
Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere
is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and
asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said
the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can
1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that
box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions
foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman".
What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive",
the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local
tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The
englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses
drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs
the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and
there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable
to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles
towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost
immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts
coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging
up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence.
The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now"
he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left 5,000 pounds
by a rich man on condition that after his death they would each
put 100 pounds into his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife.
The Englishman and the Irishman duly put in their hundred pounds.
The Scotsman took out the 200 pounds and put in a cheque (check)
for 300 pounds.
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at
a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that
fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No,
it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and
then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's
got bagpipes underneath."
are four kinds of people in the UK - First, there were the Scots
who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their
hands on; Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees
and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted -
but were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the
English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving
the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as
they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed
in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The
Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking
it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly
out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased
by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside
there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack.
In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor.
Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out,
"Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old
dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out,
"Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its
just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it,
and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"
was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together
in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the
train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there
were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud
slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer
and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia
Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss
me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And
the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train
goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that
English bastard again.
Scotsman, Englishman and an irishman although already in the forces
decided they'd join the S.A.S. Upon being called for an interview
the recruiting sergeant explained that in order to be accepted
into the special air services they must agree without hesitation
to carry out any order whatever it may be, no questions just do
agreed no problem anything at all. Right
say's the sarge to the englishman here's a gun go into the room
next door and shoot the first person you see. Off he goes 2 mins
later he's back "sarge i can't do it, it,s my wife for chris'sakes"
good to us get out. Next
in goes jock 2 mins later back out puts gun on table " i
cannae do it, it's my wee hen i willnae shoot my wife" Sarge
say's no good to us get out. Sarge
gives the gun to the irishman and sends him into the room the
next thing "Bang Bang" followed by shouting and screaming,
then silence .Next thing out comes the irishman hair all tossed,
face bleeding waving the gun madly about. "Some
##### idiot loaded that ##### gun with blanks, I had to break
her ##### neck"
Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen, and two Irishmen were
stranded on a desert island. It wasn't long before the Scotsmen
started a Caledonian Club and were playing the bagpipes, tossing
the caber and eating haggis. The two Welshmen started an Eisteddford
and were soon competing against each other in a song and dance.
The two Irishmen started a Ceilidh and downed a few pints of Guinness.
The two Englishmen went to opposite ends of the island and would
not speak to each other because they had never been properly introduced.
was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a
tea - break on a building site the Englishman pipe's up if my
wife put's Cheese on my sandwich's again Iam going to kill myself
and the Scotsman say's if my wife put's Egg on my sandwich's again
I will kill myself and the Irishman say's if I find Gammon on
my sandwich's again I will kill myself so sure enough the next
day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich's
are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all
go off to different part's of the site and kill themselve's later
in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman's
wife say's if he diddn't want cheese on his sandwich's he should
have told me and this wouldn't have happened then the Scotsman's
wife come's away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich's
then the Irishman's wife pipe's up I can't understand this, Paddy
make's his own sandwich's.
Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island.
They've been there for years, when one day the englishman finds
a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops
Oh thank you master says the genie, I will grant you all one wish!
The Englishman says...Oh how I'd love to be at Lords sipping a
Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket.
Big flash, cloud of smoke and he's gone! The scotsman says...see
you jimmy,I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching
the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he's gone! The Irishman
says "Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them,
can you bring them back"????
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party. The Englishman
took six bottles of beer.
The Irishman took six crates of Guinness.
The Scotsman took six friends.
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all stranded in a desert
and somehow manage to find a deer. They all wanted their fair
share so the Englishman said "We'll sort it out by who you
support". The Englishman said "I support Liverpool so
I'll have the Liver". Then the Scotsman said "I support
hearts so I'll have the heart".
The Irishman said "I support arsenal but I'm not that hungry!"
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans
of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot.
The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of
natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The
Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the
left and yelled, "Flood!" There was instant chaos and
the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman
was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and
yelled, "Sandstorm!" Again there was chaos, and the
Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight
ahead at the troops and yelled, "Fire!". And they did...
is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert.
They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps.
"Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep."
says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on
guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman
opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns
around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's
still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen."
Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman
removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman.
"You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good
point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's
taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his
back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What
the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when
I get too hot I can wind the window down."
Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling
in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash.
To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes
in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since
he was a very important businessman whose death would result in
the collapse of the stockmarket. The Welshman handed him over
the first parachute and he baled out. Next the Irishman argued
that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician
upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently
put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the
Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute.
'Here you are' he said cheerfully. 'But
what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching
I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.
Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a
pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's
a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink
for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says,
''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink
the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is
fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's
nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your
drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into
a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well
impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies
''No, but my sister told me about it.''
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman were all volentered to spend a
year in a Biosphere where they would be locked away from everything
and everyone. As the Englishman was entering his Biosphere they
asked him what would he like to take with him, the reply was his
wife. No problem - they locked him and his wife into the Biosphere.
Then it was the Scotsman's turn - they asked him what he would
like. "100 crates of Whiskey" was the answer. No problem.
In went 100 crates of whiskey. Then it was paddys turn. Paddy
thought long and hard and decided he would take 100 cartons of
cigarettes which he got. They then locked him away.
year later they open the Englishman's Biosphere where him and
his wife came out happy and content. Next the Scotsman. They opened
his Biosphere and had to carry him out. They then turned to Paddy.
Opened his Biosphere where Paddy popped his head out and asked
"anyone got a light?".
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing
expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day,
while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped
away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering
what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange
shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front
of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all
been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so
forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each
of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice
in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their
normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman
and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied,
and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge,
it spread its wings and flew off for England. The
fairyturned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose
a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched
from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight
as he returned home. The
Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance
from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird
do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said:
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all in the jungle being
persued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing so they
3 friends decide to hide up trees. The savages reach the trees,
and think they look suspicious. They shake the first tree, which
contains the Englishman. "Caw, Caw," is heard from among
the leaves. "Is parrot," the savages decide, and they
move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake
it. An "eek, eek," is heard. "Is monkey,"
decide the savages. They shake the third tree, which contains
the Irishman. All that is heard is a single "Mooooo"....
was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each
other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in
his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when
he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to
the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because
he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was
laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by
the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long
it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note
how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker
wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest
object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The
Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding
his nose for thirty minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up
and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you." The Scotsman
said, "Keep the lousy egg."
guys, one Irish, one English and one Scottish, are out walking
along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and
a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's
three wishes in total", says the Genie. The
Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman,
his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all
the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink
of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with
English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge
wall around England. The
Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this
Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet
thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
Scot says, "Fill it up with water."
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are being chased through
the streets of a village by an angry mob intent on tearing them
to bits for previous jokes. As they turn a corner, they spot a
pile of sacks by the side of the path. The Englishman grabs three
sacks and hands them out. "We'll hide in these until they've
gone!" he explains. "Just do as I do." They climb
into the sacks. Just as they do so, the mob arrive. They see the
sacks and stop.
Suspicously, the leader of the mob prods the nglishman's sack
with his pitchfork. "Oink! Oink!" shouts the Englishman.
Satisfied, the mob proceed to the
Scotsman's sack. Again, they prod it with the pitchfork.
"Quack! Quack!" shouts the Scotsman. Happy that this
is also full of livestock, the mob go onto the Irishman's sack
and prod that. The Irishman shouts "Potatoes!"
you heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman
who were each asked to sum-up their nationality in a few words?
The Irishman effused about literature and his countrymen's fortitude,
while the Scotsman raised his voice to name-check William Wallace
and Rabbie Burns. Waiting
his turn, the Englishman scratched his head and wondered ... and
wondered ... and wondered.
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and
their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course
the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped
up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her
head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling, " she explained "you give me so
little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually
no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand
into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's
and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a
mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with
her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded
a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling,"
she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have
to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With
that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's
a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes
further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root,
tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt
over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her
inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling,"
she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have
to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With
that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's
a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"
an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my
daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The
Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With
that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to
worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when
I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even
know she had a penis."
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at the train station
as drunk as skunks, just as the train was about to leave. A helpful
porter managed to get the Englishman and the Scotsman on board
in the nick of time. Then he turned to the Irishman and said:
"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have time to get you on as well,
but there's another train leaving in an hour. You can get that
one." "Sound enough," said the Irishman, "but
I don't think the two boys'll be pleased. They only came to see
Englishman and a Scot were walking down a country lane when they
came across a sheep with her head stuck in a fence. The Scot said,
"Hoot, mon, this is too good an opportunity to pass up!"
and proceeded to start making love to the sheep. The Englishman
was beside himself with excitement at the sight. He humped up
and down shouting "Me too! Me too!" The Scot replied,
"Dinna rush me, mon! These things take time." And continued
about his business. Finally, the Scot achieved his climax and
stepped aside for the Englishman. "Your turn now" he
said. The Englishman dropped his pants and promptly stuck his
head in the fence.
Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest
and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the
trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The
Irishman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove
the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or
you'll be eaten." The
first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in
pain, so he was killed. The
Scotsman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst
out in laughter and was killed. The
Irishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Irishman asked, "Why
did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Scotsman
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Englishman coming
were two Scotsman walking down a country road. As they walked
along they came upon a woman laying prone across the road. One
of the Scotsman immediately threw himself on her and had his way
with her. The other Scot looked on in shock and then yelled, "Good
God, man, can't you see that woman's dead?!" The first Scot
looked at him and said, "Oh dear. I just thought she was
a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They've got lost in
a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman
finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He
knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very
welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him
out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a
few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that
terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible
noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun."
At this the Englishman flees the convent. Later
that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks
"great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and
drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few
hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He
asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't
tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent.
later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food
and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this
frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks
a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're
not a nun!" At
this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts
it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister
Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible
noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you,
follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two
big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading
to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive
room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole.
They go down the ladder into another room and through another
door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is
coming from!" Guess what it was?......I'm
sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!
to Scottish Jokes