There was an Englishman an
Irishman and a Scotsman.....

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left 5,000 pounds by a rich man on condition that after his death they would each put 100 pounds into his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife. The Englishman and the Irishman duly put in their hundred pounds. The Scotsman took out the 200 pounds and put in a cheque (check) for 300 pounds.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath."

There are four kinds of people in the UK - First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on; Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"

There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an irishman although already in the forces decided they'd join the S.A.S. Upon being called for an interview the recruiting sergeant explained that in order to be accepted into the special air services they must agree without hesitation to carry out any order whatever it may be, no questions just do it. All agreed no problem anything at all. Right say's the sarge to the englishman here's a gun go into the room next door and shoot the first person you see. Off he goes 2 mins later he's back "sarge i can't do it, it,s my wife for chris'sakes" No good to us get out. Next in goes jock 2 mins later back out puts gun on table " i cannae do it, it's my wee hen i willnae shoot my wife" Sarge say's no good to us get out. Sarge gives the gun to the irishman and sends him into the room the next thing "Bang Bang" followed by shouting and screaming, then silence .Next thing out comes the irishman hair all tossed, face bleeding waving the gun madly about. "Some ##### idiot loaded that ##### gun with blanks, I had to break her ##### neck"

Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen, and two Irishmen were stranded on a desert island. It wasn't long before the Scotsmen started a Caledonian Club and were playing the bagpipes, tossing the caber and eating haggis. The two Welshmen started an Eisteddford and were soon competing against each other in a song and dance. The two Irishmen started a Ceilidh and downed a few pints of Guinness. The two Englishmen went to opposite ends of the island and would not speak to each other because they had never been properly introduced.

There was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a tea - break on a building site the Englishman pipe's up if my wife put's Cheese on my sandwich's again Iam going to kill myself and the Scotsman say's if my wife put's Egg on my sandwich's again I will kill myself and the Irishman say's if I find Gammon on my sandwich's again I will kill myself so sure enough the next day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich's are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all go off to different part's of the site and kill themselve's later in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman's wife say's if he diddn't want cheese on his sandwich's he should have told me and this wouldn't have happened then the Scotsman's wife come's away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich's then the Irishman's wife pipe's up I can't understand this, Paddy make's his own sandwich's.

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They've been there for years, when one day the englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie.
Oh thank you master says the genie, I will grant you all one wish! The Englishman says...Oh how I'd love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket.
Big flash, cloud of smoke and he's gone! The scotsman says...see you jimmy,I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he's gone! The Irishman says "Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back"????

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a party. The Englishman took six bottles of beer.
The Irishman took six crates of Guinness.
The Scotsman took six friends.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all stranded in a desert and somehow manage to find a deer. They all wanted their fair share so the Englishman said "We'll sort it out by who you support". The Englishman said "I support Liverpool so I'll have the Liver". Then the Scotsman said "I support hearts so I'll have the heart".
The Irishman said "I support arsenal but I'm not that hungry!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot. The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the left and yelled, "Flood!" There was instant chaos and the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and yelled, "Sandstorm!" Again there was chaos, and the Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight ahead at the troops and yelled, "Fire!". And they did...

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. "Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash. To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket. The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out. Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman. The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully. 'But what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism. 'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman were all volentered to spend a year in a Biosphere where they would be locked away from everything and everyone. As the Englishman was entering his Biosphere they asked him what would he like to take with him, the reply was his wife. No problem - they locked him and his wife into the Biosphere. Then it was the Scotsman's turn - they asked him what he would like. "100 crates of Whiskey" was the answer. No problem. In went 100 crates of whiskey. Then it was paddys turn. Paddy thought long and hard and decided he would take 100 cartons of cigarettes which he got. They then locked him away.

One year later they open the Englishman's Biosphere where him and his wife came out happy and content. Next the Scotsman. They opened his Biosphere and had to carry him out. They then turned to Paddy. Opened his Biosphere where Paddy popped his head out and asked "anyone got a light?".

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England. The fairyturned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home. The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said: "A penguin."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all in the jungle being persued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing so they 3 friends decide to hide up trees. The savages reach the trees, and think they look suspicious. They shake the first tree, which contains the Englishman. "Caw, Caw," is heard from among the leaves. "Is parrot," the savages decide, and they move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake it. An "eek, eek," is heard. "Is monkey," decide the savages. They shake the third tree, which contains the Irishman. All that is heard is a single "Mooooo"....

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Three guys, one Irish, one English and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Fill it up with water."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are being chased through the streets of a village by an angry mob intent on tearing them to bits for previous jokes. As they turn a corner, they spot a pile of sacks by the side of the path. The Englishman grabs three sacks and hands them out. "We'll hide in these until they've gone!" he explains. "Just do as I do." They climb into the sacks. Just as they do so, the mob arrive. They see the sacks and stop.
Suspicously, the leader of the mob prods the nglishman's sack with his pitchfork. "Oink! Oink!" shouts the Englishman. Satisfied, the mob proceed to the
Scotsman's sack. Again, they prod it with the pitchfork.
"Quack! Quack!" shouts the Scotsman. Happy that this is also full of livestock, the mob go onto the Irishman's sack and prod that. The Irishman shouts "Potatoes!"

Have you heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman who were each asked to sum-up their nationality in a few words? The Irishman effused about literature and his countrymen's fortitude, while the Scotsman raised his voice to name-check William Wallace and Rabbie Burns. Waiting his turn, the Englishman scratched his head and wondered ... and wondered ... and wondered.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at the train station as drunk as skunks, just as the train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get the Englishman and the Scotsman on board in the nick of time. Then he turned to the Irishman and said:
"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have time to get you on as well, but there's another train leaving in an hour. You can get that one." "Sound enough," said the Irishman, "but I don't think the two boys'll be pleased. They only came to see me off."

An Englishman and a Scot were walking down a country lane when they came across a sheep with her head stuck in a fence. The Scot said, "Hoot, mon, this is too good an opportunity to pass up!" and proceeded to start making love to the sheep. The Englishman was beside himself with excitement at the sight. He humped up and down shouting "Me too! Me too!" The Scot replied, "Dinna rush me, mon! These things take time." And continued about his business. Finally, the Scot achieved his climax and stepped aside for the Englishman. "Your turn now" he said. The Englishman dropped his pants and promptly stuck his head in the fence.

An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The Irishman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The Scotsman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The Irishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Irishman asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Scotsman replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Englishman coming with pineapples."

There were two Scotsman walking down a country road. As they walked along they came upon a woman laying prone across the road. One of the Scotsman immediately threw himself on her and had his way with her. The other Scot looked on in shock and then yelled, "Good God, man, can't you see that woman's dead?!" The first Scot looked at him and said, "Oh dear. I just thought she was English."

There's a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. They've got lost in a massive forest and are cold, hungry and thirsty. The Englishman finds a nuns convent and thinks great, a bed and some food. He knocks on the door and a nun invites him in, they are all very welcoming and give him food and drink. After that they sort him out with a room to use for the night. After being asleep for a few hours he wakes up to this hideously loud thumping noise that terrifies him. He finds a nun and asks her what this terrible noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun." At this the Englishman flees the convent. Later that night, the Scottish man comes across the convent and thinks "great!" The nuns welcome him in and give him food and drink. Later they give him a room to spend the night in. A few hours after being asleep, he wakes up to the hideous noise. He asks one of the nuns what it is, but the nun replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun". At this, he leaves the convent. Even later that night, the Irishman goes into the convent. He has food and drink, then goes to bed. During the night he wakes up to this frightening banging noise. He goes out in the corridor and asks a nun what the noise is. She replies "I can't tell you, you're not a nun!" At this he finds a store cupboard containing a nuns habit. He puts it on and finds a nun. He says to her "Hello, I'm sister Riley, the new nun, can you please tell me what that terrible noise is?" "I'll do better than that, I'll show you, follow me!" she says. She takes him up a corridor to two big oak doors, through the doors is a long winding staircase leading to two big iron doors. Through these doors there is a massive room with a hole in the floor and a ladder leading down the hole. They go down the ladder into another room and through another door. Then the nun says to him "This is where the noise is coming from!" Guess what it was?......I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a nun!

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