The Competitive Scot

After several hundred years of actual conflict with England, it is inevitable that there should still be a competitive element in the relationship with bigger countries. This comes through occasionally in some of the jokes which are told when the rivals meet. Included on this page are a few other jokes - involving such diverse stereotypes as Americans and Texans, and of course, the English. (you can take a joke, can't you?).

Jock and an American were flying across the Atlantic to New York when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked.
" Yes, a whisky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the American if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying " Shoot, I didn't know there was a choice!"

*  *  *

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes.
An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"

*  *  *

An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked, "Where are you from?"
The American replied "I'm from the finest country in the world."
The Scot looked skeptical and replied "Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

*  *  *

Irate American golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

*  *  *

A Scotsman and Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.
The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scots coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out"
POOF and it's done. The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".
"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

*  *  *

MacDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained. "The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."

*  *  *

A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the Scotland versus England soccer match was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."

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